I have been practicing couples therapy exclusively for over 35 years. I
even have treated couples of all races, creeds, colors, and sexual
orientations. therein time, I even have never seen one partner retain loving,
intimate feelings for the opposite once that they had completely lost them. And
if they never had them, it had been that much easier to tug away. The scariest
thing I even have encountered in trying to assist a few salvage a relationship
is when one partner tells the other: “I love you but I’m not crazy with you.”
Or, “I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you, but I don’t feel about you the
way I should." Privately—in a private session—the threatening partner
could be more emphatic in confessing to me that they not have any concupiscence
for his or her paramour. Many have told me that they even detest the thought of
kissing and sometimes fantasize about leaving the connection .
Usually there are signs that the connection will eventually find yourself
during this sorry state, but they're not always pronounced. Many partners avoid
confrontation. they like a more passive or passive-aggressive approach like
distancing. The emotional distancer can make an unwanted partner feel quite
alone. One female client told me that living together with her husband was like
“living with a zombie,” a passive one i think . A male client said that he
visited the films together with his partner and felt as if he had gone
alone—his partner offered little interaction and far preoccupation.
Although it's hard to compartmentalize physical and emotional
distancing—they tend to be intertwined—some partners prefer physical distancing
to offer them a much-needed respite. Many of those individuals believe that
legitimized, intermittent space allows them to raised tolerate their partners.
A colleague once told me that if it weren't for his extensive business travel
he would be divorced. He had no desire to be within the same country as his
wife including an equivalent house, but the thought of divorcing turned his
stomach.
On a less dramatic note, some individuals enforce sleeping in separate bedrooms—some
roll in the hay and a few refrain. Others conveniently come up with an excuse
to avoid their partners: “I can’t attend the party with you. I don’t feel
well.” Some are even more vague: “I can’t attend the party with you. I don’t
know why.” I’ve seen partners use anxiety, depression, and a number of other
ills to flee any semblance of closeness in their relationship. “I just can’t
continue vacation this year. I’m too depressed.” in fact , being trapped may
need something to try to to with Depression but this is often rarely admitted
until a split is inevitable.
Some partners prefer an overt, aggressive style. they'll create an argument
over relatively insignificant issues, or make a problem much bigger than it
merits. “I can’t stand living with you. You never put the rest room seat down.”
Yep, I even have heard that one. Having stirred the connection pot, it's easier
for the accusing partner to “project” their desire to flee the connection onto
the befuddled mate. “You’re the matter , not me. nobody could accept you.”
Those not crazy may send a message of impending doom by chronically picking on
their partner. A male client exclaimed, “I can’t do anything right. I’m trying
hard to please her but she keeps upping the ante.” Uh oh!
In my experience, women play the terminator role much more often than men,
but men are adept at forcing their hands. Research bears this out.
Nevertheless, people that withhold their feelings no matter gender are more
susceptible to eventually reach the purpose of no return. Contrary to popular
belief, not all women are great communicators, but men especially don’t seem to
be that good at reading between the lines.
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